I sigh too much

I had to read my previous post of April 30 and see if I still believe what I said. That last bit: "When life adjustments happen, sometimes it's better to just roll with it vs fight it." Yes, ok, that may be best practical advice, but the emotional toll coupled with the mental game makes for a tough ride. It's definitely something I'd say while sitting comfortably in my nice house, everyone sleeping safely at home. It's something easy to preach until those life adjustments become crippling and just don't make any sense. 

I've been reading Psalm 91 every day since late last summer. I've made it a point to do so. It's a chapter that a friend encouraged me with. It's one of those passages that offers strength and help. Deep down, I believe it, I trust the Author. I live in that safe or secret place under the shadow of the Almighty. I can say He is my refuge and fortress. I feel the prayers of many, and the fear or disappointment is lifted greatly. But that promise that no pestilence/plague/disease that stalks/walks/makes its way around where you can't physically see it/in the darkness/under the skin/within our body's cells will come nigh/close/within reach to where we live? That part is hard to understand. It has arrived not just at the door, but it's intruded into the interior, pushed its way into our lives, throwing everything out of whack, making itself loud and clear that it's here to stay and there is no way of knowing for sure when it will ever leave. We don't get to kick it out, we just have to figure out how to "roll with it." Really? That's my plan? 

Sigh. Jesus, you are my light. Where do I set my sights? If I think about this treatment plan, or that other option, the obvious wear and tear on the body, the lack of a simple thing like nourishing sleep, it's overwhelming. It's only by the grace of God we often say, and I see that grace on display. It's real, but the need to know that what God says in his Word is real today just as it was yesterday has got to hold me still. 

Sigh. Wisdom. I ask for it, Lord. And this comes to mind: "Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." Heb. 12:2 But Jesus' example is too lofty! He's God. He knew the beginning from the end whereas we don't. That's right; we don't. So it comes full circle. Always back to who I trust and why. Like a little girl jumping off the ledge of a pool into her daddy's strong and capable arms. Like falling backwards only for a friend to catch you and bring you back upright. 

Thank you, Father, for every word I get to read in my Bible. Thank you for wrangling my thoughts back to where they need to be. I'm calling on you and expecting to hear back. And my eyes land on this short chapter:

"If it had not been the Lord who was on our side... when men [in our case, disease] rose up against us: Then they had swallowed us up quick... Then the waters had overwhelmed us... the proud waters had gone over our soul. Blessed be the Lord, who hath not given us as a prey to their teeth. Our soul is escaped as a bird out of the snare of the fowlers: the snare is broken, and we are escaped. Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth." Psalm 124 

Praying for healing, patience, and continued insight in the midst of our storm.