not a one-time-thing

I feel like my body has physically let out a big, giant sigh of relief these past couple of weeks. At first, it was the torrent of tears- a spontaneous release at receiving the great news about remission. Then, it was trouble falling asleep for the majority of the week. Hours would pass, my thoughts continuing to swirl around the circumstance and display of God's goodness. I would filter through all the many praises and congratulatory affirmations that continued coming in from far and near. By mid-week, I dove headlong into throwing a party to celebrate with friends and neighbors. Come! Rejoice with us! our message rang out. And they came. Our home was filled with the physical, tangible love from so many who had followed along our journey the past year. 

But then it was our wedding anniversary, then birthdays three days apart. Sweet moments and memories were made. We reflected again how good God was in keeping us out of the hospital this time around, but most of all, no prospect of the need for treatment! What a giant blessing! 

That sigh of relief though was not content to be a one-time thing or a one-time event. It surprised me how my entire psyche has needed to release and come out from under all the pressure that hung over us the past year. No one told me of this unique aspect. No one mentioned to be aware of the possibility. At the post-scan Dr visit, my husband's oncologist looked at me and told me I looked stressed and why? I answered what seemed obvious at the time: I'd driven the hour and a half up there, sat around waiting another hour and a half to see her. I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. It's just tiresome going to doctor's appointments in another city, even when you know it's going to be a good one! 

Hard trials change you, they say. I have wondered how much I am changed as I drive around town, doing errands, taking kids to their stuff, all the usual. I don't want to revert back to the same old me. One thing of note is I have almost no interest in listening to the usual podcasts I have been subscribed to on my phone. Instead, I have a renewed love for church service preaching off YouTube channels. My dad had sent a couple to encourage in his typical way, and that sparked the reminder that I actually want more of that. I listen while working out in our home gym. 

Tomorrow we go on a two-week family vacation with my in laws. It's a familiar place, a familiar routine we all love. It will be good to go deeper in that slow release, that idea of not merely self-care, or self-help, but of becoming who and what God is changing me to be and do in this new chapter of life.